What I feel is anxiety. Where ever I go, perhaps when I'm with myself its not such a big deal.
But when in public and not moving, it increases. As if the idea of people noticing me drives me over the edge. As if invisible is my choice
The fact is, its okay, its okay to be a little messed up, according to my last coworker though, I'm really messed up.
But the fact is we're all a little messed up whether we realize it or not. Who in the world is perfect in this world, there is no such things. I don't say this to simply make everyone feel better that they are not alone, and sure it is such a cliche thing to say. But when you think about it, there is no such thing as perfect is there. Perhaps in the ideal world, one who grew up with no woes, no lacks, no disappointments. Someone like Buddha for example. Siddhartha, prior to being called Buddha, was protected so much as to see no ailments of the world.
What happened to be is that I feel split apart as to not have a sense of feeling of my own, as to not experience anything truly but half aware, only my mind, only my emotion, only my body. Only the sensations.
Its all there but in pieces, and at any given moment it feels like I'm only experiencing one piece of myself, while resisting all others. Its really an art that I play, and express with the inability to express.
I love writing, though I'm not sure if it does good for me, I largely do believe at some alternate universe, it does some good for the soul, it is so freeing. It is as if its the only thing i have to make sense of the world around me and myself, because only through writing can my mind grow, can it escalate from one single thought, idea, or struggle, to transform it to what it actually is. Its sort of a way to work things out. Its like what the zen master said, we all have all the answers, everything we ever need, within ourselves. Honestly all it takes is out ability to look and grasp to our own knowledge. Its not something anyone can do, infact not a lot a people can do it, and perhaps most people cannot on their own. It happens through connections, through interactions, and connection with the self is just as important, as connection with another. Connection of any kind, propels, elevates, us to a richer self, to a more connected soul.
But when in public and not moving, it increases. As if the idea of people noticing me drives me over the edge. As if invisible is my choice
The fact is, its okay, its okay to be a little messed up, according to my last coworker though, I'm really messed up.
But the fact is we're all a little messed up whether we realize it or not. Who in the world is perfect in this world, there is no such things. I don't say this to simply make everyone feel better that they are not alone, and sure it is such a cliche thing to say. But when you think about it, there is no such thing as perfect is there. Perhaps in the ideal world, one who grew up with no woes, no lacks, no disappointments. Someone like Buddha for example. Siddhartha, prior to being called Buddha, was protected so much as to see no ailments of the world.
What happened to be is that I feel split apart as to not have a sense of feeling of my own, as to not experience anything truly but half aware, only my mind, only my emotion, only my body. Only the sensations.
Its all there but in pieces, and at any given moment it feels like I'm only experiencing one piece of myself, while resisting all others. Its really an art that I play, and express with the inability to express.
I love writing, though I'm not sure if it does good for me, I largely do believe at some alternate universe, it does some good for the soul, it is so freeing. It is as if its the only thing i have to make sense of the world around me and myself, because only through writing can my mind grow, can it escalate from one single thought, idea, or struggle, to transform it to what it actually is. Its sort of a way to work things out. Its like what the zen master said, we all have all the answers, everything we ever need, within ourselves. Honestly all it takes is out ability to look and grasp to our own knowledge. Its not something anyone can do, infact not a lot a people can do it, and perhaps most people cannot on their own. It happens through connections, through interactions, and connection with the self is just as important, as connection with another. Connection of any kind, propels, elevates, us to a richer self, to a more connected soul.
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