Sometimes all I want to do is be in public, and feel fully like myself, like I'm not trying to prove anything to the world, like I don't have to hide anything, like I can be me without feeling embarassed for myself, or sad about the past, or worried about the present, or being tense about who is going to react to what I do, I just want to be, and live, and make it worth the moment, like every moment is meant to be lived. Its like I refuse to be in my body, like my senses of being lost is my natural state, and I don't know what it feels like to be me.
We learn in zen that to find your true-self you must let go of who you think you are.
I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe that is far from reality. Like I'm sleep walking and dreaming my life away.
When I feel like someone is watching me, its like I feel embarassed and I want to hide. I want to hide everything that is me, everything that is beautiful, because I feel like it would be snatched from me in a moment, and taken away, and all I would have is this mundane existence to call life. But in reality it is this mundane life that I'm already living. It is the feeling of death, of lifelessness that I experience day in and day out. And any effort to feel otherwise, is futile, momentary, or completely away from nature, that I feel like perhaps I make things worst than they really, are and I'm stuck in this cycle of not being able to accept my self. Accept my sense of lost, accept my inability to be, in the moment.
Perhaps if I let things be, accept all, perhaps this sense of lost or dreaminess is what I need to go through, it is my karma for actions I can't quite comprehend. For actions that are beyond my control, for actions that are a repetition of habit. As if I'm constantly living old mistakes, repeating over and over, until, one day, it makes sense, somehow, somewhere, something enlightens me as to my own behaviors, and choices I've been making blindly without proper guidance perhaps.
How can someone possible guide one that has gone through what I have. No one could possibly know or even begin to understand what that feels like to be of any real help. So as Marago said, we must save ourselves, no man is going to make a path in the sea and save us, we women, must save ourselves. Then again, it applies not only to women, it applies to our human life. We all must save ourselves, no one else can, for no one else knows what it feels like to go through what we have been through. Only we do, and thus we are the drivers of our own fate, our own destiny, our own lives. For better or for worst, until death do us apart. Perhaps though, for those who believe in afterlives, perhaps for eternity. Isn't that an adventure worth living.
Namo, fundamental teacher shakyamuni buddha
We learn in zen that to find your true-self you must let go of who you think you are.
I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe that is far from reality. Like I'm sleep walking and dreaming my life away.
When I feel like someone is watching me, its like I feel embarassed and I want to hide. I want to hide everything that is me, everything that is beautiful, because I feel like it would be snatched from me in a moment, and taken away, and all I would have is this mundane existence to call life. But in reality it is this mundane life that I'm already living. It is the feeling of death, of lifelessness that I experience day in and day out. And any effort to feel otherwise, is futile, momentary, or completely away from nature, that I feel like perhaps I make things worst than they really, are and I'm stuck in this cycle of not being able to accept my self. Accept my sense of lost, accept my inability to be, in the moment.
Perhaps if I let things be, accept all, perhaps this sense of lost or dreaminess is what I need to go through, it is my karma for actions I can't quite comprehend. For actions that are beyond my control, for actions that are a repetition of habit. As if I'm constantly living old mistakes, repeating over and over, until, one day, it makes sense, somehow, somewhere, something enlightens me as to my own behaviors, and choices I've been making blindly without proper guidance perhaps.
How can someone possible guide one that has gone through what I have. No one could possibly know or even begin to understand what that feels like to be of any real help. So as Marago said, we must save ourselves, no man is going to make a path in the sea and save us, we women, must save ourselves. Then again, it applies not only to women, it applies to our human life. We all must save ourselves, no one else can, for no one else knows what it feels like to go through what we have been through. Only we do, and thus we are the drivers of our own fate, our own destiny, our own lives. For better or for worst, until death do us apart. Perhaps though, for those who believe in afterlives, perhaps for eternity. Isn't that an adventure worth living.
Namo, fundamental teacher shakyamuni buddha
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