I clearly have so much to let go of, my friends, people I associated with as friends, keep poping up in my head, more like the things I want to say to them, to make this situation feel okay keeps popping up in my head. Almost as if saying it would make everything be okay. But a part of me, some weird part of me, doesn't want to say it. The reasoning, why say something to someone, when you don't want to associate with them any longer. The thing is, I still want that association, but better, like mutually respectful friendships. Its what I've always wanted, but has always been elusive in getting it, maybe it is high expectations from my part. It makes me feel awful that we're not friends anymore.

Its like my world has came crashing down and no amount of running around and building the broken parts up is going to make them stay up. Like they've crashed in to a million pieces and that is the end, my only job now is to , sweep away the debris from the relationship, make free space, and build new friendships. My heart is so heavy this evening, and I have no idea why. Like no amount of breathing is going to help me, like i'm resisting so much and I can't feel. Like I'm at the verge of a panic attack, and I have no idea why.