It fucking hurts and I won't lie nor do I know why. Maybe it's the expected love, or the words I spoke so meaningless and translucent and ephemeral. But it all hurts oh so much and the pain started yesterday while laying beside him, I have a feeling I hurt him, but everytime I think that I telly just hurt myself and I don't even know how. I hate living at home. It's like a prison within a prison. Even alcatraz would have more freedom.

The pain dissapate momentarily though it's ever present, like a needle refusing to stick on to any other cloth besides the skin. It's this constant pain like I'm hurting myself and I don't know what to do to set myself free, like I need him to say something to help me feel better.

Everytime I think about sending something to him I just want to stop and let him go because it is the best thing I can do. I've hurt myself by talking to him. It's true that love hurts because you can love the whole world but if you can't love yourself in any meaningful level, you hurt more than you love, and the person you hurt is yourself. Why must I hurt is my question, why must I hurt for any reason, I have nothing to loose and everything I ever wanted is within, unless I am unconcious believing otherwise. I wish this was easier but I feel like a fucking zombie sitting in this starbucks. All I want to do is drop off that wine with a note saying, it's over. Do I even like him though, no, but I know I have to go through with this with that in mind. Somehow I haven't learned the first 20 times, what's 21 in the sea of terrible relationships.