some part inside of me just want to bawl. I don't know what to do with julien. The best thing I can do is let him go for some reason I'm having a hard time letting him go holding on to so much, beyond my own comprehension.

I feel stupid for going to swetas conference. It is her conference for crying out loud. It fucking pisses me off people have the capacity to make these situations happen. Neither was she having a good time with this idea, nor was I. I wasn't even living in the moment for the most part. It was gruelingly awful, and if she gets fired soon, she has blood on her hands. I need a life. I need to find what it is that I want to do. I still don't know besides research. I can't find a stupid research job, it is so hard.

If I can't read 4 stupid articles, and summarize the research papers, how can I possibly expect any one to trust or hire me in a research position. Moreover how can I trust myself that I would be good at this job.

A new journey starts from home, preparation in our own time. This is my time to prepare on my own.