I don't know what to write, it feels like I'm thinking different things, I don't know which is me.

I'm crying this is so overwhelming for me

I can't stand the fact that nothing feels clear about me, I don't know who I am, I don't have a sense of myself, my feelings, my thoughts, its like they are no my own anymore. 

The last thing i want to do is blog
I need to get it out of my system though
Feels like crap being where I am
My body feels tights and rigid
I feel like I lack a brain
I can't even fully be here
I want friends I can just chill with and not have to worry about anything with
I want to feel free
I want to feel like myself
nothing feels like myself lately

I can't even hug the guy for the life of me. I can't see him, like really see him, I see him, but I see the him he wants me to see, I see his brain, I see his life. I see his innocence. It is so apparent, but maybe its not innocence at all, it is strength. Oh Julien, i just want to spend time with you, but is it fair that I don't want anything at all, just your closeness, you love, your affection, nothing more. I'm not ready for commitment. I love you in all your forms, even the forms that admits your arrogance about sexing ex's. As bad as that sounds, when you say it, its just honest and i like that more than anything. The fact that I would have to live in the background for all of my life being with you bothers me. I can't stand to live in someone else's shadow. 

some part inside of me just want to bawl. I don't know what to do with julien. The best thing I can do is let him go for some reason I'm having a hard time letting him go holding on to so much, beyond my own comprehension.

I feel stupid for going to swetas conference. It is her conference for crying out loud. It fucking pisses me off people have the capacity to make these situations happen. Neither was she having a good time with this idea, nor was I. I wasn't even living in the moment for the most part. It was gruelingly awful, and if she gets fired soon, she has blood on her hands. I need a life. I need to find what it is that I want to do. I still don't know besides research. I can't find a stupid research job, it is so hard.

If I can't read 4 stupid articles, and summarize the research papers, how can I possibly expect any one to trust or hire me in a research position. Moreover how can I trust myself that I would be good at this job.

A new journey starts from home, preparation in our own time. This is my time to prepare on my own.

Something about sitting in a cafe, and trying to blog with the whole world behind you makes me feel uncomfortable. I had to dim down my screen just so it doesn't grab attention. I guess attention in general makes me feel uncomfortable, ambiguous attention thought is completely fine. The one where people look at you and have no idea what to think or decipher. I guess mystery is the synonym for this phenomenon.

I can't seem to do my work. I want to do anything but the work. Daydream seems to be on the top of the list at the moment. How does being a cafe with mellow soothing love songs supposed to help anyone be efficient. I meant I guess it goes to show my level of peace within regarding my current relationship. I'm in turmoil. I'm nervous and I just don't know. Why I make eye contact with my immediate environment I have no idea. I feel like the world is given away through my eyes, and some people really stare. Like this guy walking by, stare into eyes, and gulp, as if I'm the wicked witch of the west.

Today I'm going to go to this meeting with Ro Kanna, the congressional candidate who will be addressing issues on vegetarianism veganism, and animal welfare. So excited that this event is open to public, and though its a good way for him to get publicity, I think its a really awesome cause, that I can't help but attend, celebrate, and be excited about. I'm thrilled. Something about goodness and politics and making positive change in the society gets my blood rolling, and the juices following. It genuinely makes me happy, and I'm excited.

I clearly have so much to let go of, my friends, people I associated with as friends, keep poping up in my head, more like the things I want to say to them, to make this situation feel okay keeps popping up in my head. Almost as if saying it would make everything be okay. But a part of me, some weird part of me, doesn't want to say it. The reasoning, why say something to someone, when you don't want to associate with them any longer. The thing is, I still want that association, but better, like mutually respectful friendships. Its what I've always wanted, but has always been elusive in getting it, maybe it is high expectations from my part. It makes me feel awful that we're not friends anymore.

Its like my world has came crashing down and no amount of running around and building the broken parts up is going to make them stay up. Like they've crashed in to a million pieces and that is the end, my only job now is to , sweep away the debris from the relationship, make free space, and build new friendships. My heart is so heavy this evening, and I have no idea why. Like no amount of breathing is going to help me, like i'm resisting so much and I can't feel. Like I'm at the verge of a panic attack, and I have no idea why. 

It fucking hurts and I won't lie nor do I know why. Maybe it's the expected love, or the words I spoke so meaningless and translucent and ephemeral. But it all hurts oh so much and the pain started yesterday while laying beside him, I have a feeling I hurt him, but everytime I think that I telly just hurt myself and I don't even know how. I hate living at home. It's like a prison within a prison. Even alcatraz would have more freedom.

The pain dissapate momentarily though it's ever present, like a needle refusing to stick on to any other cloth besides the skin. It's this constant pain like I'm hurting myself and I don't know what to do to set myself free, like I need him to say something to help me feel better.

Everytime I think about sending something to him I just want to stop and let him go because it is the best thing I can do. I've hurt myself by talking to him. It's true that love hurts because you can love the whole world but if you can't love yourself in any meaningful level, you hurt more than you love, and the person you hurt is yourself. Why must I hurt is my question, why must I hurt for any reason, I have nothing to loose and everything I ever wanted is within, unless I am unconcious believing otherwise. I wish this was easier but I feel like a fucking zombie sitting in this starbucks. All I want to do is drop off that wine with a note saying, it's over. Do I even like him though, no, but I know I have to go through with this with that in mind. Somehow I haven't learned the first 20 times, what's 21 in the sea of terrible relationships.